Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
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RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes
Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby
should i airdrop this to the person in the voting booth next to me
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”