Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
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Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
He-man has a Masters degree
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.