Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!

8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles

Him: I just had sex with that woman!

Me: She’s 60.

Him: I know.

Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.

Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill and watching it roll back down again but it’s me muting advertisers on this app.

The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.

Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.

If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up

unless I’m driving

I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.

I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”

*Chicken strips*

Me: *blushes*

Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me

Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.

Now I feel sick

Black Friday “markdowns” like

IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit

[texting]

her: 🍆+🍑

me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*

her: YES!!!!

If aliens came to earth and we explained all our technology to them I think they would get really hung up on helicopters. They would be sending videos of helicopters to their friends on Venus or whatever like “they get into these fr. I’m not kidding”

How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?

If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.

I took the first step towards cleaning out my closet today. I went in there and looked it over good.

gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*

My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….

I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.

Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.

Dr.: Very well. Just relax..

*puts bow on Pacman’s head

Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?

At a fried chicken place, looks delicious

Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.

The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.

I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people

United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.

I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.

we stayed at an air bnb with the most perfect pillows. a revelation. perfectly firm but soft. my neck stopped hurting. so I wrote down the brand and item number from the tag and looked it up and they’re the same pillows we have at home

“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.

After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.

All that money and nothing to chauffer it.