*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
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Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”