*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
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{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
A swear jar for Twitter would end world hunger.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Not today
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am