*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
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Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Need WebMD
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
💻🤡
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.