Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Million-dollar idea:

Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.

*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*

I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.

what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything

I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.

*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*

Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.

I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.

Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.

me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat

Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.

My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!

Me: Impressive feet!

I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.

DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman

I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.

So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.

mandolin: finally a violin for men

Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?

Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.

You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.

*Sees couple arguing in store*

*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*

I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.

Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣

[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.

H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep

It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus

What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!

If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.

OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.

It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.

*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh