Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?

Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.

Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”

I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.

Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters

Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.

I made cookie dough 2 days ago and pre molded it into balls and froze them so I would be able to bake ONE cookie at a time AS NEEDED but so far I’ve just eaten 6 balls of cookie dough over a 2 day span

Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle

[michael jackson if he became an ER nurse instead of a singer]
annie? are you okay?
you’ve been hit by *flips page on chart*
you’ve been struck by… *flips next page*
a toyota corolla

Had to take my niece to the ER today, because she swallowed a toy train.

Doc said she bit off more than she could choo.

Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?

Keto: Please leave our cult.

*Speed Dating*

Him: Do you have any hobbies?

Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”

Therapist: healing isn’t linear

Me: what if I pay extra?

Them: Can you imagine jogging—

Me: No

Them: —in this heat

Me:

my boss: how are you late to work again

me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away

So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.

I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.

“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”

— Advent door 21

Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down

A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.

Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.

I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ

Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*

[Bedroom at midnight]

*scary noises*

Husband: is… is someone in here?

*demonic sounds from the closet*

Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore

*sad demonic noises*

friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?

fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying

[Commercial for axes]

[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]

*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”

I get so cross when my 10yr old says I didn’t mean to do it after I tell her off about something. And then I remember that I said those exact words to my mum when I flooded the entire house when I was 14.

[2am]

wife: where in the hell have you been

me: well the boys and i were at the club-

my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*

me: leonard my god no not right now

Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”

Now, ask me the question

What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.

The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.

Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,