*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
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Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents