*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
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‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide