*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
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I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective