*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
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I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
The first matador
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
A Monday every week is excessive
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
*3.5 thank you very much.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Don’t you think today was just perfect?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a Flintstones themed wedding but was told no] I yabba dabba do not Sharon, tbh.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.