*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
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HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
I used to make jokes about sewing but I ran out of material
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
I love Sunday nights because that’s the night I ask my kids if they have any homework that needs to get done & always get a resounding “NO!”
And then someone will be asking for printer paper at 11pm.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Me: [cracks open a can of beer]
Priest in confessional: “What was that noise?”
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Why is it that every time I set foot in a post office with any sense of urgency at all there’s a guy directly in front of me trying to mail an aardvark to his cousin in Peru or some shit? Never fails.