*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
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My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
At the State Fair and can’t find my family anywhere so headed over to look for em at the beer garden for about an hour.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*