Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
You Might Also Like
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
A great first step 😂
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Every time my phone rings
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.