Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
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Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Was bored so Applied for a dentist job at some clinic. I have an interview this week😭
I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO MED SCHOOL😭
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive