Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.

I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.

Literally! 🤣 #dogs

me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.

Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!

Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!

I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.

– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.

I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders

Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.

Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising

IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me

If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.

Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.

Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.

Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)

[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.

I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.

I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.

If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?

Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.

Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?

If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”

My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King

“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies

“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well

This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.