Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
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I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.
Me: Sorry, I will be out of town
Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?
Me: I’m free June 10.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
My coffee and I used to be hot. Now, we’re just bitter.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
FRED: right
“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
could’ve been anyone
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Two mallards keep pooing in my garden, and it looks like an explosion at a piccalilli factory, so I’ve called them Simon & Garfunkel.
Yellow duck mess, my old friend.
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Training for a job is a bunch of people telling you “this isn’t how youre supposed to do this but this is how I do it” and then nobody tells you how you’re supposed to do it.