Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*paints car camouflage*

*stops making payments*

Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?

Him: Just flush him down the toilet

Me: Gotcha. And the fish?

[the city, seeing a marching band]

DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?

ME: i’m 6

Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed

Duolingo getting serious.

Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!

The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?

Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!

*checks the date*

It’s 15 years younger than me.

Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.

My tinder profile says I’m looking for an

Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒

Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?

Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right

I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.

TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos

4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.

6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.

texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points

When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.

If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.

Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.

*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?

I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs

[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]

“im not looking for any trouble”

all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD

My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…

58 seconds…

58 whole seconds…

Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”

…where was that attitude on our wedding night???

Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?

Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago

Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around

George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’

ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking

Waiter: Any questions about the menu?

Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.

Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that