Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
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My beach vacation Google searches
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
The vampire myth probably started with a really bad hickey
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Simple enough.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.