Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.

HR: Get out

*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*

Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid

2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.

Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs

Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.

Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb

Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.

Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.

6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.

That stung.

Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.

If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive

IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.

Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.

thought i was a minimalist, but it turns out i’m just broke

Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.

My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.

Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.

See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?

Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.

When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.

Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN

While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.

I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.

Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide

[walks into kitchen]

Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.

The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.

Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you

Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?

saw that musical. didn’t care for it.

This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒

No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”