Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*drops off box to Salvation Army*

“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”

*peels out*

If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.

There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.

When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.

Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair

If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.

My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?

my boss: how are you late to work again

me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away

There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.

neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you

neil armweak: can you carry this?

[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this

Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*

Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.

If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.

“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.

After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”

– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?

Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.

Me: *disappears for a few weeks*

Friends: *No concern*

Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*

Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?

bears

I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”

If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit

I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.

“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*

Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.

No weirdos.

3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.

Me: Okay—

3: And bite people.

Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣

Me: 🙂

Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it

Me: 😐

Facial recognition: noooo?

Me: 🤨

Facial recognition: no

Me: 😒

Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no

Me: 🥴

Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE

Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.

I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.

In the corn maze, I felt like I was being stalked.

It was earie.