Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
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Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Lucky old June.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral