Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
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DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!