Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
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when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
when dads have a rap battle
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Ikea is like the Hotel California of furniture stores
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?