Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
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People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Hey man be careful on the trampoline one of my buddies never came back down
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Windchimes
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.