Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
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If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Seems legit
My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
You an Obituary liar.
That means you DEAD@$$ lying
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
How many pieces of chocolate is too many? Please say upwards of 27.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Cottage cheese isn’t cheese at all. That just a curd to me.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots