Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
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Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?
me: yes
[next time opening the document]
microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Air pods looking like an angry frog
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
Dear Aliens,
Now would be a good time.
Thanks!
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
sales in 2004: buy 1 get 1 free
sales in 2024:
