Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
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Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”