Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano

I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?

I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now

Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.

Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.

Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.

Me: Go home.

i get pissed off when i see things in my fridge starting to go bad like its the fridge. i feel like things should last forever in there. if i wanted you to go bad i wouldve kept you in my pantry

Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.

Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company

*me in a horror movie*

me: a knife? HA

killer: [pauses confused]

me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA

k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]

person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer

me *on my deathbed: I doubt it

Let me show you what this mouth can do..

[eats a cheeseburger]

[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?

The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.

I stopped a man on the street to give me directions and he politely asked ”you want to go somewhere?”. I have to admit I hesitated for a bit

It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married

[zombie movie set]

Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”

*actors look around confused as heck*

Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.

[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]

A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.

Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.

I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”

Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.

Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.

Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder years

Wonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn

*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.

No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator

Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.

I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now

I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.