[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
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roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
welp
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time