Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

whenever I see a lady mail carrier i’m like ok slay that’s a woman in a mail dominated field

Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.

I’m not drunk enough for this

*gets drunk

I’m too drunk for this

Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.

Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.

Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.

Neighbor: This is my nephew.

2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”

responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description

I’m not climbing a hill if I’m dying. That sounds terrible. I’ll die on this chair. Drinking orange Fanta.

I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.

My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.

look bro it’s not gay, i just wanna sleep nestled into your arm because it allows me to angle my head at the perfect 37 degree angle that relieves my nasal congestion

is getting good sleep gay now

is it homosexual to be alert in normal daylight hours

The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien

My child: Picks cookie with the most icing

Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off

Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet

Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan

[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]

stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you

Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.

Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose

“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article

Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.

Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers

One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.

I think he’s my soulmate.

“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”

– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise

Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?

Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?

Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?

Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!

“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”

OMG, you mean this isn’t it.

And that’s how the fight started.

I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!

Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”