Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having switched her bedroom light off last night, I softly said goodnight to my 11yr old. Tenderly moving her hair from her face and telling her that I loved her, she looked at me and responded with:

“Your teeth are illuminous.”

I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?

‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage

“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog

Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text

Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.

[my funeral]

priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*

wife: *turns to my mom*

mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.

Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater

I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.

[ cookout ]

Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!

Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup

Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree

i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”

Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.

Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.

Me: so was this pie

Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.

Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!

Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-

Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*

[making out]

ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*

GIRLFRIEND: omg really?

ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.

Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.

did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.

CNN: The alien invasion has begun

British person: I’ll put the kettle on

Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.

Me: Pikachu, I choose you!

Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet

Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.

If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR

The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”

If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.

I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.

‘Dances with Wolves’…

But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.