Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
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Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
So McDonald’s employees can spot the United healthcare CEO murderer but can’t spot the fries missing from my fucking bag?!?!!??
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Day 1: [Stranded on an island] Is this where it ends for me?
Day 2: Ok, I need to get to know this place
Day 3: I’ve spotted what appears to be monkeys.
Day 4: Omg I’ve just seen a person
Day 5: Ok, this is a zoo.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
This makes total sense…
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.