Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
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*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
bias laundering edition
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
T Mobile confirming my account via text when I have no service will not be lost on me.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
we don’t understand the earliest recorded jokes from ancient mesopotamia because we lack necessary context. what if there’s a guy in 4,000 years like “my theory is they had specially trained shrimp that did all of the rice frying”
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
Me trying to look natural in photos
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.