Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
You Might Also Like
Learning minion language on Duolingo while my girl friend prepares to host thanksgiving for 48 people
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Deleting contacts from my phone is like getting rid of jeans that I delusionally think I’ll be able to fit again–
–what if I need to call my old Dairy Queen manager from high school about an important life dilemma? What if?!
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Banderslack Clamberdorch
That de-escalated quickly
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT