Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.

Get real…

All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.

*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes

Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!

Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.

[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd

You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.

I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly

Me: I’m pretty brave.

Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.

Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.

Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.

[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”

I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.

me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]

him: [on deathbed] NURSE

I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.

Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?

😁

Her: “What an ugly baby”

Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”

Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”

Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.

Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle

[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day

Tonight, Joe Biden’s press conference is make or break. Everyone will be tuned in. It’s all anyone will be paying attention to. So it’s the perfect moment.

I’m going to steal the Declaration of Independence.

My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.

Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.

I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.

No time to explain get in the wood chipper

bully: gimme ur sandwich

me [pulls knife]

bully: hey man I don’t want any-

me: -crusts. i know

eye doctor: please read the top line

me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad

eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading

Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.

[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha

Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector