Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?

*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*

My child: Can I help?

Me: *straight up hissing noises*

Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move

*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !

[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!

[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?

Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.

1-year-old: *eats it*

*screams in pain*

Me: At least you learned your lesson.

1: *eats another one*

Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.

[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.

Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.

I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.

Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!

I found out my girlfriend was really a ghost

I suspected so, the moment she walked through the door

I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.

i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly

I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.

Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them

My son said he’d do something in a minute.

So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.

Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.

Imagine being a fly on the wall in the closed court where Rupert Murdoch is suing his own children. You’d be the most ethical creature in the room.

HER: I wanna be your everything.

ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.

HER: No, not like-

ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.

Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.

Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.

Me: I said handstandwich!

“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”

“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”

[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u again

DATE: That would be nice

ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her

I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”

an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??

I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.

it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things

I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.

No, you’re not getting it your honor