clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
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To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
The Weeknd is back
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
My co-workers found out when my birthday is so now I need to find a new job
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
TSA agent: is…this a…cattle prod?
Me: it’s for the wankers who crowd the baggage carousel
TSA agent: oh right then. go ahead
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.