Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
cop: you’re under arrest
me: you’re under arrest
cop: what
me: get in the car
cop: yours or mine
me: yours
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
HR has told me to stop saying ‘how stupid can you be?’ to members of staff. They’re worried it’s being taken as a challenge.
I see your IQ test came back negative
Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
