Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The 4 stages after getting dumped…

1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.

Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right

Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean

Voila

Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten

Ah quiet

If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?

Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine

Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.

What legos do when we’re not looking.

“The engine light is on” Yeah that means it’s working

If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead

I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.

it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that

You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.

Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life

Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.

If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.

Thursday, 4:01pm

“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”

A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”

Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.

Bad news: I’m not wearing them.

#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe

[in car]

7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd

*5 minutes later*

7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy

DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]

DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?

DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]

Gentle reminder to take a brief moment to close your eyes, take a deep belly breath, and gently stroke your chin to find all the prickly whiskers you missed last time you plucked.

Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.

Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie

Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off

Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.

ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite

WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog

If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.

Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.

Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.

At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!