Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory

I hope they boil the right one.

ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today

WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!

ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it

Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.

Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.

I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.

Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend

Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING

if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet

The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.

She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.

Patrol.

10: Mom.

Me: What!! It’s late.

10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.

“We’re promoting you to Anchor”

Reporters: 🙂

Sailors: 🙁

I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?

Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.

I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born

When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.

me: no don’t open that candy before din-

5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]

me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.

Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!

Me: *shoving my way to the front* no

2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside

ME: oh no

2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside

ME: OH NO

Me: is there anything on my face

Him: no you’re good

[15 minutes later]

Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair

Him: you didn’t ask about your hair

Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.

Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?

Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?

Him:

Me:

Him: How much money do you have?

*Someone messages me*

I hope your well

And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?

HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?

Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then

I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.

My Wife wasn’t.

She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.

Odd, we don’t own a dog.

*gets served divorce papers during the reception*

Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.

The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.

“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”