CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
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Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
the ADHD urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.