Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
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You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
What a kind woman! 😂😂
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?