Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
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Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Calling in noise complaints on my own home so my neighbor thinks I’m cool
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Mmmm. Shoeshi
used to be as a frog you could say “ribbit.” but you can’t do that anymore. because of croak
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.