Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times

-me during my whole shift

Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.

MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?

ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther

MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away

ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie

I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?

After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.

Well, about your cat… There’s good news and bad news…

Reviews of Hogwarts

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”

me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night

mom: that was actually your father

me: *tearing up* omg does dad know

The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline

A man I dated briefly 12 years ago sent me a message yesterday and I was reminded of our first date where he brought me an elaborate gift bag that contained a single potato

Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.

Bon appetit!

Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.

The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.

What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.

*drops acid*

Ok, go.

The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.

Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”

Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:

-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat

usher: bride or groom

me: just a guest

usher: no which are you here for

me: neither I’m married

Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.

You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.

If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.

We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.

Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.

CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]

snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it

I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.

Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!

Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad

Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date

I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something