Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

I may look calm but on the inside I’m 28 over-caffeinated panic attacks in a trench coat

romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”

[after dinner]

Me: I can’t eat another bite.

Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*

Him: Send me a shower pic

Me:

Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb

Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.

[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.

Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok

If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.

I ordered some groceries, they delivered to the address next door she took them in her house. I went to get them she had put them in the kitchen gone say I thought they was a gift, b***h don’t play with me I’m not in the mood.

Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder

when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.

My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.

Would you eat from the Hummus Truck?

*being abducted by aliens*

Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?

I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.

Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.

had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”

I only treason on days ending in y

me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)

Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL

If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.

Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.

i don’t get to travel very often but every time i do i really get to thinking: did anthony bourdain just have diarrhea for like 9 months of the year

My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.

I said: May divorce be with you…

USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways