Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.

I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist

Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.

I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.

in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators

Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped

just had an email from my barber saying that his shop is back open and offering ‘one to one appointments’, which implies the existence of the somewhat terrifying ‘group haircut’

acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog

Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,

“I’m hungry”

when they ask you if you have anything to declare.

I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.

Optometrist: better or worse

Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse

I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.

Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o

city officials are like “those potholes are supposed to be there.”

My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.

This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.

I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”

My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.

My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger

Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early

If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.

I disagree with my politics

a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS

So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.

If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.

“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.

Dear ladies,

if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.

“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”

– Worst ER doc

Her: How’s your drink?

Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though

Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake

Rich people don’t understand cereal