Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
You Might Also Like
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
pro parenting tip: reach your weekly fitness goals by giving your Fitbit to your 9yo for an hour.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
My biggest fear about being on death row is having to choose a last meal. “I don’t know, what do you want?”
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
In other news, I found my car keys in the air fryer.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
If you know, you know 😂🚔
