I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
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If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”