Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.

If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.

*drops cheese*

You: Five second rule!

Pet owners: lol

According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.

The Others (2001)

me: do you want to play some ps4?

frenchman: oui

me: no we only have the playstation

I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint

-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume

My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.

SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs

SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough

pro: having a lovely time visiting canada

con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here

[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.

Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.

I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep

Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy

#medicalvalentine

No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.

Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.

what

Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.

employee: should I restock the vegetables

manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training

employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce

Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.

a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!

My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.

Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”

My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”

I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”

In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.

I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.

Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now

My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.

Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*

Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?