Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Introverted vegans go meetless

“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?

Why are bridges so flammable.

I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’

Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb

boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt

coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them

Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.

{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?

BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.

I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.

co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave

me: oh sorry does my lobster smell

co-worker: no he’s pinching people

Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.

Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move

Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…

Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct

Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.

Me: We’re swimming in debt

Wife: It’s fine

Me: The kids are going nuts

Wife: They’re fine

Me: You haven’t had a break in months

Wife: I’m fine

Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means

Wife: I’M FINE

It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.

I’m in such a great mood today

Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute

My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up

When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.

When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.

*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.

Every newscast:

“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.

*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*

I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS

Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.

I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”

Paranormal investigator: “Who’s there?”

Gen X ghost: “Your mom.”

Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.

364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today

*getting kidnapped

Me: Thank you.

Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down