click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
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oh my gosh!!
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Me: “Wait. You want me to go out shopping, pay for the presents, wrap them up, and then tell my family and friends they were from you?”
Santa: “I mean, when you say it like that it sounds kinda bad.”
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
I see no reason these two should not be wed, but I do like to make things about me.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
T Mobile confirming my account via text when I have no service will not be lost on me.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
I miss this era type of pranks😭
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous