Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?

I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward

50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.

50% is begging them to be quiet.

If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.

5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!

*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*

[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*

What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock

[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?

HIM: Why is this sticky?

ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth

ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally

🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you

-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge

[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”

-What is goingon?

“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”

Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.

I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!

Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:

William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black

Did you know that an apple can accidentally be flushed down the toilet in a perfect storm of events?

We do, now.

(Just kidding; it’s only half-flushed & is now stuck in the pipes & my god why are kids like this.)

Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark

My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family

TWITTER IS NOT BACK IN BRAZIL YET
IT WAS A BUG

QUICK I DONT HAVE MUCH TIME

THE KRABBY PATTY SECRET FORMULA IS-

I’m so glad the internet is like this now.

[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!

Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*

GF: What are you doing?

Me: Making myself look big

Bear: Well hi

I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”

if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.

hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.

Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.

Witches love that.

Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously

Young people are too young nowadays. Back in the good old days, young people were my age.