Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After cooking show a dishwashing show with same host but kind of drunk.

I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.

9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas

*presses lips against mic*

I wished I sanitized this first

daughter: can i keep the night light on?

me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie

Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?

Me: I don’t have air conditioning.

Friend: How do you stay cool?

Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*

Friend: Holy shit.

I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.

If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?

Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.

Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.

Police: Because you keep killing people

Me: who is your favourite spice girl?

Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man

Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.

is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?

On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.

You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*

*mumbles*

MIDWIFE crisis!

(…sorry.)

Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.

It might have been meant for a really small family.

It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.

STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU

I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever

Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.

Dude t-rex: 😑

Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.

I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.

[before horsepower was invented]

car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons

My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!

I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.

Me: Ahh finally, some sleep

My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?

Me: Goddamnit

Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids

I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!

Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.

Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.