“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed

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I’ve started an elimination diet, It’s where I eliminate anyone from my life who talks about their diet.


Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.


No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.


In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”


my bed has four corners

[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners


Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.


After buying toilet paper at Walgreens, the cashier said, “you’ll need your receipt.” I don’t think I’ve ever been this scared in my life…


{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.


Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter