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article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
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Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.