@SortaBad

“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed

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@FeelingMervis

I’ve started an elimination diet, It’s where I eliminate anyone from my life who talks about their diet.

@krisv_723

Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.

@jus4golf

No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.

@Kica333

In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”

@AbbieEvansXO

[normally]
my bed has four corners

[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners

@LackOfShame

Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.

@ClaytonSykes

After buying toilet paper at Walgreens, the cashier said, “you’ll need your receipt.” I don’t think I’ve ever been this scared in my life…

@AndrewNadeau0

{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.

@lolumOKUR

Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter