“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
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article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
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[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
💀💀💀💀
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Note to self: always read the final line
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
I left my lunch on my counter. I work an hour away from home. More upsetting than any breakup. Doodling a turkey sandwich in my notebook. What could’ve been.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards