Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.

All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.

where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*

Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)

good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*

Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*

Him: oh yeah

[my place]

Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!

*hears someone breaking into my house*

Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!

I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.

I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.

Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*

4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history

Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER

Door dash is the closest thing I’ll ever experience to being actual royalty like bring me a dozen freshly made donuts and a bottle of your finest bourbon!

But your majesty, it’s 9:30 at night and…

I said be quick about it!

I’m not positive,

but I think when you say you’re “over” something,

YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.

Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne

*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*

Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.

The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order

never forget

This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party

if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich

She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.

Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.

First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.

me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.

guy: where is our regular priest

I can never eat just one Christmas ornament

make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years

I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.