Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad

Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.

I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.

“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset

“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy

Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!

I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.

Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*

Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.

Sorry I disappeared from our zoom

I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe

Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then

For anyone who needs this today

I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.

And to their wives. And their local fire departments.

I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.

Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?

Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’

Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.

I’m all “class”.

The first two letters really aren’t necessary.

I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.

it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream

Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.

Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?

Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.

MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.

one thing I really like about competitive horse riding is that horses, more often than not, are assholes. love them! be an asshole! you’re a horse!

I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.

I’m putting on weight for a movie

*eats popcorn in cinema

What did u do last night?

Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey

Don’t u mean sorrows?

Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?

[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR

COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.

Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming