Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store

Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.

Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.

All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall

Lean in

And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’

Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss

My neighbours say I should travel more, and further away, for longer

My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”

Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”

if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.

How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.

[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it

[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable

[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]

reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.

superman: yes, yes I did.

reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?

superman:

reporter:

Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”

my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”

I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.

I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?

[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly

me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years

Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?

Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?

[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!

[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]

Me: why did you abandon us?

Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.

No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.

*runs out of toilet paper*

“Good bye, infinity scarf”

Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.

Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work

Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.

I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.

Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you

10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.

12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.

2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.

4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.

6am: If I FML