*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
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Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
ZOOKEEPER: So this female python is our oldest snake here at the zoo
ME: *way too loud* A granaconda
ZOOKEEPER: *pulling out his tazer* look away kids
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
If my kids invented a drink.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.