Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.

Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.

Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)

In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.

Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.

Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”

[The glare was EPIC]

Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.

When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”

Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.

She’s gotten sick of pizza.

*sees a truck*
Nice.

*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.

*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.

Me: I need sex, and I need it now…

Her: I understand. You want to be alone.

*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*

Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

ethics professor: ur failing my class

me: [slides over $20] how about now

Holy crap this is wonderful

You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?

😂

“are you drunk?”

– everyone’s response when i send a nice text

My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.

I said: May divorce be with you…

ㅤ

Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent

Is a driver’s Ed instructor

Executioner: last words?

Me: pop

Executioner: we say soda here

Me:

Executioner: say soda

Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-

Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA

My family: u about to go to work???

Me in my work clothes:

I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.

cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours

my cat: *slowly pushes it off*

A 27yo asked me to come home with him!

I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!

don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness

if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy

Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.