Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.

Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:

HDMI

ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho

Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!

Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair

I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.

*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*

I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.

The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.

The cashier just checked me out.

ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*

MY DOG: *ears prick up*

Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!

– squirrels

The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.

“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣

All parents have a favourite child

Good parents pretend they don’t

Great parents at least make it one of their own

THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?

THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.

Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.

God: at least you have a cool name.

Swordfish: so?

God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.

Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?

Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?

You’re like a gym membership.

You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.

bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs

reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume

[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.

Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition

[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]

*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear

Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.

You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year

a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats

Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.

*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus

My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003

duolingo: he is a boy

me: él es un niño

duolingo: she is a girl

me: ella es una niña

duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious

me: puedo—wait