Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.

I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”

Now we wait.

Greeting card

[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s

[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s

If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec

*puts stethoscope up to chest*

Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen

“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”

*Im in the bushes giggling*

My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is

Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.

normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest

Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be

Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them

Athena: interesting

Medusa: why

Athena:

Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that

My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.

People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.

My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17

O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.

So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.

*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*

Okay, weigh me now.

In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.

You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”

Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!

Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…

Him: Ok,enough FFS.

Me: oooo, angry!

If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.

I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.

where the womens at?

According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.

Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.

To remind myself that I control the list.

One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…

taylor swift should write a song about people who don’t return their shopping carts to the corrals

I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.

“when we kissed, I saw fireworks” you mean the kiss was super boring despite also being incredibly loud and scaring the shit out of my dog?

Celine DiOn

*claps twice*

Celine DiOff

A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back

robber: alright this is a robbery

dad: no this is a bank

robber: damnit dad not now