Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*

*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*

Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat

Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.

I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great

all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”

So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.

When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.

Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December

I never found the Headless Horseman that impressive, because the horse still has a head and is clearly doing all the navigating. My first thought wouldn’t be “demon guy” it would be “service horse, make sure not to pet it”

Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.

My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.

I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…

Apparently this was NOT the Apple Watch she was expecting for her birthday.

[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car

I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.

I only buy cookware with handles that somehow get hotter than the pan itself. This is the way.

Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!

Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….

wife: i think the zoo is closing.

me: pff how are they going to make us leave?

(lions roaring in the distance)

Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt

i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity

How to run faster:

1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start running

You’re welcome

Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work

Me:

Mime:

Me: You don’t say!

There are 2 kinds of parents

“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”

and

“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”

I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs

Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what

[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth

Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.

In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end

Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.