Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
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[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
I love when my cat sighs at me, like what’s got you stressed out my little freeloading homicidal maniac
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Expected my family to chew me out this morning bc I ate all our cans of Who Hash last night but luckily we were also robbed by the Grinch last night so I blamed him for taking the Who Hash and my stupid Who family totally bought it LET’S GOOOO 🗣️🗣️🗣️
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
