Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
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I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty