Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.

Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.

I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.

I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart

[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [looking at menu] what page are u on

I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?

you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser

If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you

*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn

Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.

How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling

My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.

So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.

Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.

If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.

Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry

When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”

“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”

Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.

I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.

I’m not homophobic, I love my house!

I’m not sure what the record is for hotdog eating contests, but the record for tofu dog eating is less than one.

DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M

ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters

My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.

Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.

why did I just deep clean my entire apartment before the john mulaney and chappell roan saturday night live episode like they’re physically coming over

Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.

Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…

Beaver 2: dam

Very funny that the new Batman movies are rated PG-13 but the Penguin HBO series isn’t so in context it just looks like everyone is too polite to curse around Batman

4: mom can I sing just a short song?

me: yes

4: ok its only just three hours long I promise

narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long

Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?

Fireman: ….

{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?