Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: that teaching babies to eat airplanes will destroy us all. one day we’ll create a baby large enough to eat real airplanes and be unable to either destroy it, or explain the horror that sating it’s desire for num-nums would unleash

date: …neat. my greatest fear is spiders

I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for

life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school

At what point should you worry about your drinking?

I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.

There’s no “u” in narcissist

From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.

I love the word placebo, but it lacks something

How did they get kids to pose for oil paintings mine won’t sit still for 4 seconds for a family photo

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys

Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!

My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.

The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua

My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.

Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.

Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it

For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.

Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.

*jingles half the way*

Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.

My sex drive has a dui

friend: let’s meet up soon

me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though

Me: I banged your Mom.

My Son: I know, Dad. I know.

me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak

Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies

my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice

A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows

[spelling bee]

“Your word is stupid”

ME: Well give me a different one then

“No, that’s your word…stupid”

ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one

[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”

When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.

judas: hey man want to come out to last supper

jesus: what?

judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free