client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
You Might Also Like
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.