A girl told me how hard it is for her to gain weight. I said it’s hard for me NOT to. We had a good laugh & then I punched her in the face.
client: i’m nervous
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
attorney: you said you were innocent
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What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
When your pharmacist actually wants you to die.
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
pixar ceo: remember guys, we work as a team. there is no “i” in pixar
employee: yes there is
pixar ceo: no there isn’t
employee: *writes the word Pixar on a piece of paper and hands it to the ceo*
pixar ceo: Oh my god.
pixar ceo: murder it with a lamp
I’m guessing the game Twister isn’t getting a lot of action right now.