client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
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Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
what
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!