Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[What I think he saw]

Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.

[What he actually saw]

Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.

What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.

Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.

Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you

BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”

Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”

My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”

If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second

In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.

*Me coming home after a frustrating day*

Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?

i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are

Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.

Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.

As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.

I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.

real

Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.

Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…

Me: what a great place to bury a body!

drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point

I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.

if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently

The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.

I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.

Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉

My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER

Me: yeah ;(

everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David

No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.

Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low

Otters drive ottermobiles.

“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out

I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.

I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.