Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day of creation]

GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light

Me: Hello darkness my old friend

Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan

Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.

Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.

Him:*laughs nervously*

Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial

I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.

Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.

Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”

My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.

At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.

Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die

Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy

At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.

I think my first day working for Microsoft is going really well.

Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum

cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)

I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet

God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect

Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha

God *creates asteroids*

Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:

-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma

are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*

Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party

How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:

Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.

If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.

She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady

God: you can go on land and water.

Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?

God: that’s where you live.

Turtle: oh my gosh.

God: what?

Turtle: I have a house boat!

When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them

Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!

Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.

“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.

WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.

*Turning off led flashlight.

Led flashlight: hahahahaha

5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?