Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: My informant told me where the killer is

Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?

Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that

My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.

So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.

Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy

If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.

I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks

I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.

Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?

Me: Absolutely not.

Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.

Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear

Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes

*trains 1 million soldier ants*

*gets carried to work*

I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.

Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.

DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!

BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks

ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake

BOSS: Getting easier

I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.

ME: is he always this quiet

WIDOW: *sobs harder*

[interrogation]

ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face

COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer

My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.

smartest karate player in the world

Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt

Me: safety first 🙂

Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*

it’s a van. how do they not know this

When my daughter gets angry at her siblings she tells them to go swallow an anvil and although it’s confusing I’m giving her props for creativity.

ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral

My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:

“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”

“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”

“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”

I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff

Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”

I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.

*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*