Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.

MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?

I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.

“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me

The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.

Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?

Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??

What about that really cool hashtag we made?

They didn’t free them when they saw it??

“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie

I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.

The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:

Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.

Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…

Parenting explained

Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at mom

Them: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad

Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.

doctor: get ready to say “aaah”

me: why are we on the roof

*gets called abnormal*

*checks for normal abs*

BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess

told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something

Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat

I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke

Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.

My neighbor is PISSED.

I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.

Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.

i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue

HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?

ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.

But I really needed water water water

Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner

Heath: I’m Heath

Heather: I’m Heather

Me, competitive: I’m Heathest

I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.

Ain’t no way

A man sentenced to the electric chair is strapped in when the prosecutor asks for his last words. He replies, “You’re making a mistake… I’ve already been charged!” #DarkHumor #Jokes #LegalLaughs